Outgrowing yourself

I'm bored with my music, so tired of the same 10 or 15 bands I've spammed to death this past year or so. Instead of searching for new bands to jade, I thought back to the stuff I used to listen to when I was 15-16ish. Those were good years I guess. But here's the thing about old music: it has the power to flood you with thoughts and emotions,  memories of events and conversations that you never imagined would resurface again.

I felt so overwhelmed when it all came back to me, I almost regretted digging up the old songs that used to be my favorites. "I remember driving to [insert name of city here] with [insert name here] while singing [insert songtitle here] as loud as we possibly could." I remember sipping gas-station cappuccinos and wearing ridiculous amounts of smudgy pink lipgloss, running up the phone bill to the point of gettnig my phone confiscated from my parents. ;) good old days.

What happened to my friends from those days? Where are they now, what are they like, what's new with them?

I decided to facebook-stalk a couple old familiar names for nostalgia's sake.  And you know what I found?

Someone I once saw as closer than a sister to me, the "cool girl" I always tried just a little too hard to be like, has become someone else. She looks happy, has a new job, an awesome new haircut, and a fiance. My chin dropped to the floor with shock - "I thought she'd end up with Whats-His-Face! Who the crap is this dude? When did THIS happen?" For a split second I almost felt offended, like "How could she change so much and not tell me anything?"

But you know what? I'm equally guilty. I'm the one who moved away, I'm the one who stopped answering emails, I changed too much too fast and didn't tell anyone who used to know me. Some part of me will always be ashamed of the pathetic loser I've always been, and as I'm trying to outgrow that phase, trying to grow up and be someone I'm not ashamed of, I've almost lost all contact with everyone who knew me from before.

I have half a mind to email that one girl again, tell her congratulations on the engagement, catch up on missed news. "Hey, btw, I've met the love of my life too! I live in an apartment now. Oh btw, I don't really have plans to return to the states anymore (please don't be upset with me)".... etc etc.
But then the scary thought hits me: what if she won't like who I've become? What if she'll be disappointed in me? Did she have bigger expectations out of me? Or worse yet, what if I try to get back in touch just to find out that she genuinely doesn't give a crap about me anymore?

The last time I saw her, it was the middle of the night in the parking lot outside my old apartment. She hugged me, we cried, and she told me "I have a feeling that we'll never see eachother again."

What if she was right?


Brain overload. Who else in my life will I one day lose like that?

This is an apology to everyone in my life who I've ever faded away from. I'm sorry I haven't kept in touch, I'm sorry our friendship drifted apart, and I'm sorry we don't know eachother anymore.

I'm sorry if I've become someone you don't like anymore.

Rest in peace, love.

Yesterday my beloved little kitty died.

At 8:00 pm last night, my brother found him laying on the bathroom floor meowing loudly. Mio was trying to stand up properly, but he couldn't. His back legs were completely paralyzed. Poor little guy couldn't control himself, had an accident on the floor. Still panicked and obviously in pain, he tried to drag himself around by his front paws. He somehow crawled down to the basement and stayed there for about an hour, crying loud enough to make me cry.

I called every vet in the area, but everyone told me that he needs to be put down. The only guy willing to come put the cat to sleep at home said it would cost me ca 6000 SEK just for him to drive out. He said my only other option was to call anyone who owned a shotgun. If I had access to a shotgun, I would have gladly payed the 6000 SEK just so I could shoot the guy myself. Totally worth it.

I hung up and called  someone who could pick up Mio and... yeah. You know.

Mio heard me yelling on the phone, so he crawled up the stairs (with his back legs dragging up the stairs behind him) and pulled himself up onto the couch. Andreas brought the plastic bin Mio used to love, and put Mio inside it. We gave him beer to calm him down. (I'm going to make a great parent one day. haha). As upset as I was, I could still laugh at the look on his face when he licked up the beer.  Andreas talked to the cat, turned him over when he didn't want to sit in the same position anymore.  For the most part I just sat and cried. I eventually brought a sponge with chlorine on it for Mio to breathe (more epic parenting skills ftw). He always loved to roll on the floor right after I cleaned it with chlorine. Then he'd purr and rub his head against the wall, or a shoe, or whatever else he fell in love with after the fumes kicked in. haha. Hilarious.

Beer and chlorine were a nice combination. He finally relaxed and even tried to purr a bit towards the end. At 10:30 pm, "that guy who knows a guy" came to pick up Mio. I carried the half unconscious bundle up the stairs to the front door, squeezed his warm little body one last time, and handed him off to Andreas.


Rest in peace Mio ♥ I miss you so much it hurts already. I really wasn't ready for you to die, you weren't supposed to leave me so quickly. When I cried, I needed you to curl up beside me and purr like you always used to, but this time you just weren't there. Good bye sweetie. I love you.


Todays blog entry will be an art tribute to http://cippow25.deviantart.com/ for her adorable pictures ^^ Here are my favorites:

Aren't they precious? :D <3

In other news, life is chaotic as always but still moving forward :) It's not easy sometimes, but I feel pretty optimistic nonetheless. Much love to any and all!!


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