Outgrowing yourself

I'm bored with my music, so tired of the same 10 or 15 bands I've spammed to death this past year or so. Instead of searching for new bands to jade, I thought back to the stuff I used to listen to when I was 15-16ish. Those were good years I guess. But here's the thing about old music: it has the power to flood you with thoughts and emotions,  memories of events and conversations that you never imagined would resurface again.

I felt so overwhelmed when it all came back to me, I almost regretted digging up the old songs that used to be my favorites. "I remember driving to [insert name of city here] with [insert name here] while singing [insert songtitle here] as loud as we possibly could." I remember sipping gas-station cappuccinos and wearing ridiculous amounts of smudgy pink lipgloss, running up the phone bill to the point of gettnig my phone confiscated from my parents. ;) good old days.

What happened to my friends from those days? Where are they now, what are they like, what's new with them?

I decided to facebook-stalk a couple old familiar names for nostalgia's sake.  And you know what I found?

Someone I once saw as closer than a sister to me, the "cool girl" I always tried just a little too hard to be like, has become someone else. She looks happy, has a new job, an awesome new haircut, and a fiance. My chin dropped to the floor with shock - "I thought she'd end up with Whats-His-Face! Who the crap is this dude? When did THIS happen?" For a split second I almost felt offended, like "How could she change so much and not tell me anything?"

But you know what? I'm equally guilty. I'm the one who moved away, I'm the one who stopped answering emails, I changed too much too fast and didn't tell anyone who used to know me. Some part of me will always be ashamed of the pathetic loser I've always been, and as I'm trying to outgrow that phase, trying to grow up and be someone I'm not ashamed of, I've almost lost all contact with everyone who knew me from before.

I have half a mind to email that one girl again, tell her congratulations on the engagement, catch up on missed news. "Hey, btw, I've met the love of my life too! I live in an apartment now. Oh btw, I don't really have plans to return to the states anymore (please don't be upset with me)".... etc etc.
But then the scary thought hits me: what if she won't like who I've become? What if she'll be disappointed in me? Did she have bigger expectations out of me? Or worse yet, what if I try to get back in touch just to find out that she genuinely doesn't give a crap about me anymore?

The last time I saw her, it was the middle of the night in the parking lot outside my old apartment. She hugged me, we cried, and she told me "I have a feeling that we'll never see eachother again."

What if she was right?


Brain overload. Who else in my life will I one day lose like that?

This is an apology to everyone in my life who I've ever faded away from. I'm sorry I haven't kept in touch, I'm sorry our friendship drifted apart, and I'm sorry we don't know eachother anymore.

I'm sorry if I've become someone you don't like anymore.

Postat av: Mikkiz

Du är så bra på att blogga kör lite oftare :)

Kram och bra fortsättning! :)

2011-06-01 @ 12:58:40
URL: http://Supersvensk.blogspot.com

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