Finding myself

Not until we are lost do we begin to understand ourselves. ~Henry David Thoreau

Is that so? Well I've got news for you buddy, so you better be listening close - I've never been more lost in my life and I don't understand anything at all anymore. I don't understand who I am or what's going on in my life right now. I don't understand who I'm supposed to be and how I'm supposed to get there. I don't even understand what I want anymore, which quite frankly, scares me to death.

I feel like such a spoiled little jerk because I don't actually have anything to complain about. Think about all the starving children in africa, the frightened families in war-torn countries, the helpless victims of abuse. Compared to them, I'm living the dream.

So why do I still feel incomplete? What's missing? I'm hungering for something, trying to fill a very painful void, but I have absolutely no idea what caused it or what the cure is. It's driving me insane and becoming a barrier between myself and the ones I love. How can you comfort someone who doesn't know why she's crying?

So tell me, Mr. Thoreau, if I never learn to understand myself, does that mean I'll be lost forever?

:( Can I imagine life forever lost?

Serious, sickening, and stupid.

Shame and disgust are emotions we feel to signal that we have done something wrong and need to make a correction. But what happens when you feel so shameful and disgusted that it drains you of the energy you could have used to do something about it? 

It's actually kind of funny that food can have such a ridiculous impact on your mental state. It's hilarious how one stupid binge can cause days or weeks of self loathing and misery. It's amusing how sadness about ones size or weight can cause even more comfort eating.
It's amazing how I never seem to learn from my mistakes.
Will I ever actually reach my goals? Will I ever actually look at the scale and feel complete?

I found www.999reasonswhy.tumblr.com. The "reasons" posted inspired and motivated me, but also reminded me of what I am, and all the goals I've failed at. True, this rant probably isn't one that I should publish for everyone to see, but just like my past goals - it's easier to make a change when I know others are watching. By humilliating myself here, I'm forced to make a change to redeem myself.
Insane? Absolutely. Sue me.
Ok, I'll shut up now. Here are a few motivational quotes from 999reasons, enjoy!

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