To quote myself

Taken from my other (less interesting/important/useful) blog

When feeling negative about my weight, I used to write in a journal about how disgusting I look, how repulsive I am, what an eyesore I am to everyone around me. I drew pictures of myself (cartooned to look ten times bigger than I really was) just to tease myself.
Ironically, I called this my inspirational journal. I thought that by insulting myself to no end, I'd finally be so ashamed of myself that I'd be forced to get on a gruelling diet and stay on it until I was thin. While dieting, I'd read the pages over and over again to remind myself why I was depriving myself of the foods I love.
I was sure that becoming a thinner me meant becoming a better me. That somehow I'd be a better friend, family member, wife, classmate, whatever -  if I lost weight.
Looking at those words now, I have to ask myself "Where was my brain when I created that idea??". Obviously logic isn't my strong side, but in time, I recognized that I had the wrong idea alltogether. A persons value shouldn't be based on appearance, and if I wasn't judging others by apearance, why should I judge myself that way? And if someone DID see me as less valueable because of my weight, they obviously aren't people I'd want in my life ANYWAY.
It took me a long time to get here. To be able to look at myself in the mirror and see that I'm a valuable human being, with just a few extra pounds to carry around. Nothing less. Sure, I'm still making an effort to drop the last pounds, but it's not the main focus in my life anymore. I now understand that I AM allowed to love who I am, regardless of what I look like.
I wish I could tell you exactly how I got to that frame of mind. But to be honest, I can't pinpoint it.
I know that the biggest help for me was the encouragement and endless conversations with my friends, family, and husband. I can't even count how many hours they all spent, constantly telling me over and over again that my weight never has and never will affect how they feel about me. Most of the time it all went in one ear, out the other, I didn't believe them. I was sure they were all just saying that to be polite, I didn't let myself understand that they were telling the truth. But when I finally allowed their words to sink in, it made all the difference.
I still relapse into negative thinking, I still have that "inspirational journal" on my bookshelf.
But 80 % of the time, I can leave it on the shelf and remember that I am not the worthless waste of space that I wrote about.
I am Angie, a student, a wife, a sister, a daughter, a friend. I love litterature and music, I have plans for the future, I enjoy long walks in the forest, and sitting in fancy cafe's sipping overpriced lattes. I love to draw, I hope to one day buy a proper camera so I can take fantastic pictures to keep forever, I hope to one day publish a book of my own.
What defines me is who I am, not how I think I look.

Kommentarer
Postat av: Elliotts mamma

Sååå fint skrivet! Okej, jag är inte superhajj på engelska men jag förstod allt ändå. :-D Äntligen har du förstått det vi allihopa har försökt att förklara för dig. DU ÄR KANONFIN precis som du är nu. En mycket rar och snäll tjej som vi alla älskar just för den hon är. <3

2012-04-23 @ 20:35:26
Postat av: Angie

sniffle ;') thank you, I really appreciate it! ^^

2012-04-23 @ 21:26:59
URL: http://angierenberg.blogg.se/

Kommentera inlägget här:

Namn:
Kom ihåg mig?

E-postadress: (publiceras ej)

URL/Bloggadress:

Kommentar:

Trackback
RSS 2.0