"It's Just Another Day"

I'm not going to make another rant, I think I did enough of that in my last entry ;)
But life does have it's ups and downs, there's no getting around that.

Up next: ego pic!

Changing the subject! :) The weather here is unreal, already December and still not even below freezing yet? We had a brief trickle of snow that melted within a matter of hours, but since then, absolutely nothign! As far as swedish weather goes, that's just not normal. But hey, who's complaing? It sure makes it easier to go places and do things when everything isn't covered in ice.

And yes, with a new month comes new goals! 50 hours of excercise is the plan, aided by 100 cups of green tea, 90 appetite-supressing fiber pills, and an entire liter of apple cider vinegar. Can I do it? You bet! (Or atleast I'll die trying. hehe) I'm so close now, 20 down, 5 to go :) I hope to start a fresh year with a fresh batch of self esteem - and I can't wait to "taste" it!  

little Stella. Isn't she lovely?
Zid - in all his fluffy glory ^^

Finding myself

Not until we are lost do we begin to understand ourselves. ~Henry David Thoreau

Is that so? Well I've got news for you buddy, so you better be listening close - I've never been more lost in my life and I don't understand anything at all anymore. I don't understand who I am or what's going on in my life right now. I don't understand who I'm supposed to be and how I'm supposed to get there. I don't even understand what I want anymore, which quite frankly, scares me to death.

I feel like such a spoiled little jerk because I don't actually have anything to complain about. Think about all the starving children in africa, the frightened families in war-torn countries, the helpless victims of abuse. Compared to them, I'm living the dream.

So why do I still feel incomplete? What's missing? I'm hungering for something, trying to fill a very painful void, but I have absolutely no idea what caused it or what the cure is. It's driving me insane and becoming a barrier between myself and the ones I love. How can you comfort someone who doesn't know why she's crying?

So tell me, Mr. Thoreau, if I never learn to understand myself, does that mean I'll be lost forever?

:( Can I imagine life forever lost?

Serious, sickening, and stupid.

Shame and disgust are emotions we feel to signal that we have done something wrong and need to make a correction. But what happens when you feel so shameful and disgusted that it drains you of the energy you could have used to do something about it? 

It's actually kind of funny that food can have such a ridiculous impact on your mental state. It's hilarious how one stupid binge can cause days or weeks of self loathing and misery. It's amusing how sadness about ones size or weight can cause even more comfort eating.
It's amazing how I never seem to learn from my mistakes.
Will I ever actually reach my goals? Will I ever actually look at the scale and feel complete?

I found www.999reasonswhy.tumblr.com. The "reasons" posted inspired and motivated me, but also reminded me of what I am, and all the goals I've failed at. True, this rant probably isn't one that I should publish for everyone to see, but just like my past goals - it's easier to make a change when I know others are watching. By humilliating myself here, I'm forced to make a change to redeem myself.
Insane? Absolutely. Sue me.
Ok, I'll shut up now. Here are a few motivational quotes from 999reasons, enjoy!

progress! :D

(art by http://artassassin.deviantart.com/)

I've reached a BMI of 22.5 - woohoo!! Only a little bit more, almost there! :D

defeating shame

Picture day is in about 5 weeks. By then, I plan to drop another 2 kgs (ca 4.5 lbs). Less than one pound per week? I can do that. 

Two years ago, I hit my all time high number of 75 kgs (165 lbs). I was so ashamed of myself, I never want to feel that kind of disgust again. After two years of all kinds of crap like power walking/vinegar drinking/yoyo-dieting/etc., I'm down to ca 57 kgs (125 lbs). If I drop two more kgs, that makes it a total loss of exactly 20 kgs (ca 45 lbs). Funny story - I was so proud of my accomplishment until I found out my new jeans size is considered XXL by an online fashion outlet I admire.  ^^ hmmm looks like I still have a looong way to go.

Weighing 55 won't make me thin, but atleast I'll be a step closer than I was before.

Alright, I'll end this entry with an excellent piece of art - Megan Fox looking not quite so foxy ^^
(Yes, I'm ridiculous and immature. Don't judge me.) hehe



(art by http://slinkpink.deviantart.com/)
:D I DID IT!!! A month ago, I made the vow to lose 2 kgs by August 1st. Not only have I dropped those two first stubborn kgs, but even better - a total of 5 kgs. How did I manage this?
- I drank ca 2 liters of water (with a few tablespoons of apple cider vinegar in each)
- I powerwalked for 40 - 60 min per day most days
- I tried a liquid diet for a week (lost 3 kgs but suffered the pissiest mood throughout)
- Started counting calories!

The liquid diet meant eating only soup three times a day for a week. On one hand, the pounds just sortof melted off, I could see results on the scale instantly. On the other hand, I felt like crap. I was hungry, tired, dizzy and overall miserable. Everything made me cry, and I could pick a fight out of just about anything anyone said to me. It was awful!

After that, I pigged out for a week. I ate everything I could get my hands on (oh the shame...). Working at the cafe didn't make that any easier, I got cheesy pasta or grilled sandwiches for lunch, and desserts like cheesecake and chocolate every day.

After that, I decided to get back on track. I searched the internet for weightloss success stories, I wanted to find what worked for people irl. For most people, what it came down to in the end was always this: Burn more calories than you consume. That simple. Turns out, an adult woman can live off 1200 calories in a day and still get all the nutrition the body needs (the key is just finding the most nutritional low calorie foods out there)! Any less than 1200 cals, and the body goes into starvation mode and saves every calorie that enters the body and KEEPS IT FOR EVER. But 1200 was a safe number, so I went with it :)

I bought a cute lil black notebook and labled it as my Diet Journal. I wrote down all my favorite healthy foods and how many calories were in each serving. Then every day, I wrote down everything I ate and drank and put the total calories for the day at the bottom of the page. I also doodled inspirational quotes and threw in a few pages of "Dear journal, today I feel blablabla because I ate blablabla" etc etc. This little book became my support buddy. hehe

Ok, as for future goals - I'm sticking to the 1200 cal diet for atleast another week. I'm happy about the weight I'm at now, as far as BMI points go, I've gone from 30 to 23. And while thats great, I'm not 100% satisfied. I have a few more pounds to lose before I'm done. Hopefully this plan will get me there :)

Much love to y'all!!

(art by http://cloudylissa.deviantart.com/)

Hi there!

To be young and in love

Some days there aren't even words to describe the overwhelming happiness that comes from knowing you found the right one, someone to walk with you and hold your hand through the journey of life. <3

Yes, I'm cliche and corny, but give me a break - everyone is entitled to silliness every now and again ;)


(art by http://solagratia.deviantart.com/)

As I have a million times before, I am now setting yet another goal. Short term, this means dropping 2 kgs by August 1st. Hopefully I'll do better than that, but I know from personal experience that when I set high goals, I end up mentally labeling it "unattainable". Screw that, I need to get serious!
Long term goal means losing at least 5 kgs, which would put me into a healthy range. But if I manage that, perhaps I'll try to drop another 5 for looks sake? :) haha, fat chance (no pun intended). Right now my biggest focus will be on dropping those first 2 stubborn kgs.

I've set a plan, everything from an excercise agenda to planning my food intake, etc. I even picked up drinking vinegar again. It helped me before, but good grief - it's awful! haha. Oh well, "no pain, no gain" right?

My reward for sticking to the goal will hopefully be the acheived weight loss, although I should probably set another reward as an incentive to continue. I'll think of something  later.

Ok, by posting this for all to see, it's like making a promise to everyone who reads this. I am now officially under obligation to go through with it, stick to the plan, and make the necessary changes in my life. I am motivated, determined, and  ready!!

Wish me the best on this endeavor! ;)

Outgrowing yourself

I'm bored with my music, so tired of the same 10 or 15 bands I've spammed to death this past year or so. Instead of searching for new bands to jade, I thought back to the stuff I used to listen to when I was 15-16ish. Those were good years I guess. But here's the thing about old music: it has the power to flood you with thoughts and emotions,  memories of events and conversations that you never imagined would resurface again.

I felt so overwhelmed when it all came back to me, I almost regretted digging up the old songs that used to be my favorites. "I remember driving to [insert name of city here] with [insert name here] while singing [insert songtitle here] as loud as we possibly could." I remember sipping gas-station cappuccinos and wearing ridiculous amounts of smudgy pink lipgloss, running up the phone bill to the point of gettnig my phone confiscated from my parents. ;) good old days.

What happened to my friends from those days? Where are they now, what are they like, what's new with them?

I decided to facebook-stalk a couple old familiar names for nostalgia's sake.  And you know what I found?

Someone I once saw as closer than a sister to me, the "cool girl" I always tried just a little too hard to be like, has become someone else. She looks happy, has a new job, an awesome new haircut, and a fiance. My chin dropped to the floor with shock - "I thought she'd end up with Whats-His-Face! Who the crap is this dude? When did THIS happen?" For a split second I almost felt offended, like "How could she change so much and not tell me anything?"

But you know what? I'm equally guilty. I'm the one who moved away, I'm the one who stopped answering emails, I changed too much too fast and didn't tell anyone who used to know me. Some part of me will always be ashamed of the pathetic loser I've always been, and as I'm trying to outgrow that phase, trying to grow up and be someone I'm not ashamed of, I've almost lost all contact with everyone who knew me from before.

I have half a mind to email that one girl again, tell her congratulations on the engagement, catch up on missed news. "Hey, btw, I've met the love of my life too! I live in an apartment now. Oh btw, I don't really have plans to return to the states anymore (please don't be upset with me)".... etc etc.
But then the scary thought hits me: what if she won't like who I've become? What if she'll be disappointed in me? Did she have bigger expectations out of me? Or worse yet, what if I try to get back in touch just to find out that she genuinely doesn't give a crap about me anymore?

The last time I saw her, it was the middle of the night in the parking lot outside my old apartment. She hugged me, we cried, and she told me "I have a feeling that we'll never see eachother again."

What if she was right?


Brain overload. Who else in my life will I one day lose like that?

This is an apology to everyone in my life who I've ever faded away from. I'm sorry I haven't kept in touch, I'm sorry our friendship drifted apart, and I'm sorry we don't know eachother anymore.

I'm sorry if I've become someone you don't like anymore.

Rest in peace, love.

Yesterday my beloved little kitty died.

At 8:00 pm last night, my brother found him laying on the bathroom floor meowing loudly. Mio was trying to stand up properly, but he couldn't. His back legs were completely paralyzed. Poor little guy couldn't control himself, had an accident on the floor. Still panicked and obviously in pain, he tried to drag himself around by his front paws. He somehow crawled down to the basement and stayed there for about an hour, crying loud enough to make me cry.

I called every vet in the area, but everyone told me that he needs to be put down. The only guy willing to come put the cat to sleep at home said it would cost me ca 6000 SEK just for him to drive out. He said my only other option was to call anyone who owned a shotgun. If I had access to a shotgun, I would have gladly payed the 6000 SEK just so I could shoot the guy myself. Totally worth it.

I hung up and called  someone who could pick up Mio and... yeah. You know.

Mio heard me yelling on the phone, so he crawled up the stairs (with his back legs dragging up the stairs behind him) and pulled himself up onto the couch. Andreas brought the plastic bin Mio used to love, and put Mio inside it. We gave him beer to calm him down. (I'm going to make a great parent one day. haha). As upset as I was, I could still laugh at the look on his face when he licked up the beer.  Andreas talked to the cat, turned him over when he didn't want to sit in the same position anymore.  For the most part I just sat and cried. I eventually brought a sponge with chlorine on it for Mio to breathe (more epic parenting skills ftw). He always loved to roll on the floor right after I cleaned it with chlorine. Then he'd purr and rub his head against the wall, or a shoe, or whatever else he fell in love with after the fumes kicked in. haha. Hilarious.

Beer and chlorine were a nice combination. He finally relaxed and even tried to purr a bit towards the end. At 10:30 pm, "that guy who knows a guy" came to pick up Mio. I carried the half unconscious bundle up the stairs to the front door, squeezed his warm little body one last time, and handed him off to Andreas.


Rest in peace Mio ♥ I miss you so much it hurts already. I really wasn't ready for you to die, you weren't supposed to leave me so quickly. When I cried, I needed you to curl up beside me and purr like you always used to, but this time you just weren't there. Good bye sweetie. I love you.

Sleepless night

It scares me how quickly I can change my mind. It scares me how quickly I can change my mood. It scares me how a decision I make today could affect the rest of my life. I'm silly, childish, ditzy... an easily distracted flake.
One day I wake up feeling like I'm ready to knock the world right off its feet, while the next day, I'm about as ready to take care of myself as a scared 5 year old little girl.
I can't be trusted to affect other lives. I'm barely in control of my own! What do I do?
Go hide from civilization and decisions util I'm a little older, a little more stable?
Who am I, and what do I really want out of life?
Maybe I'm just crazy, but all these thoughts are flying through my head and I can't organize my mind. It's chaos in there! I didn't sleep at all last night, and now that the sun is up and shining (it's a beeaauuuutiful morning!) I still can't sleep. I feel dizzy but not tired. I feel alive but so weird.
I'm sorry I don't make any sense.
Sometimes I just feel like chaos :S

Change, say yes.

(art by http://oo-rein-oo.deviantart.com/)

Change is good :) I mean seriously, haven't you seen Yes Man? Say yes to new opportunities, saying yes brings rewards ;) hehe. No but in all seriousness, people who welcome change seem happier. I want to be like that, so from now on, I will embrace anything that comes my way. (within reason, ok! Don't come asking me for 20 grand now just 'cuz I'm making an effort to say yes to more XD hehe)

Why spend your life as a caterpillar when given the option to become a butterfly? Metaphorically speaking, of course. (Off topic note - butterflies look really freaky if you ignore their wings :P Scary even.) My point being - don't be afraid of what you aren't used to. So many people bury themselves in a rut of pointless, boring, "safe" lifestyles. But how old are you going to be when you realize that you want more than that?? If you hit 75 and decide that you wish you had taken up hitchhiking, your ship may have sailed. Start planning NOW. Write yourself a bucket list :) (List of things to do before you "kick the bucket" so to speak. It's from a movie - The Bucket List. If you haven't already seen it, I highly recommend it.)

Fear holds me back from so much. I know fear is a feature your brain kicks in to protect you, especially when I'm at the edge of a bridge wondering how it would feel to fly ;) hehe. But you have to create the line yourself, where is fear protecting you, and where is fear just holding you back?

Let go of whatever is holding you back from making a change.

"Better safe than sorry" is good advice, but where's your sense of Carpe Diem?

(art by http://littlemisslove.deviantart.com/)

Growing Up

(art by http://punkcheerleader.deviantart.com/)

Life isn't always easy. It didn't come with a handbook, so we have to make just about every decision on our own, whether we're equipped to or not. Kids growing up, for example. Some are in the biggest hurry you'll ever see to grow up and get a life. This terrifies some parents. I can't blame them. Change is scary sometimes. "Theoretical example" here: teenage daughter meets man of her dreams, parents think end of the world has arrived. Sort of.

Nobody in this scenario is "the good guy". Nobody is "the bad guy". You can see the picture from both sides can't you? What would you tell her?

"Kid, good for you, but don't burn your bridges, you still need your parents."

What would you tell the parents?

"You have every right to be upset but chill, she needs to take some steps on her own. I know you mean well, but you can't decide everything in her life. She's an adult now. Be supportive without being controlling."

And eventually when everything has cooled off, maybe they can all live happily ever after.



Disney music (part 1)

I've recently renewed my appreciation for Disney music. Especially from Mulan, the Lion King, and Tarzan. As a kid, sure, I liked those songs. They were fun and easy to sing along to, but had no more meaning to me than the movies they came with. But as an adult (or teenager, whatever) I look at the lyrics a little differently.

Take "Two Worlds" (Tarzan) for example.

   "Raise your head up
Lift high the load
Take strength from those that need you
Build high the walls
Build strong the beams
A new life is waiting
But danger's no stranger here
    No words describe a mother's tears
No words can heal a broken heart
A dream is gone, but where there's hope
    Somewhere something is calling for you
Two worlds, one family
Trust your heart"

I may be misinterpreting this, but this can be applied to ... a few different situations. I don't remember so much from the actual movie, but was this the part where Tarzan is starting to think he might leave his "family" and go live with Jane and adapt to her lifestyle? He understands that this decision will hurt his "mother", but at the same time he's prioritizing love. (Obviously that doesn't make the decision any easier, but you get the point.)

Notice : "A new life is waiting But danger's no stranger here " Every choice has it's consequences. Thank goodness everything worked out for Tarzan in the end, right? ;) On the same line of thought, here's another one of my Tarzan Soundtrack favorites:

"I can see there's so much to learn
It's all so close and yet so far
I see myself as people see me
Oh, I just know there's something
bigger out there

I wanna know, can you show me
I wanna know about these
strangers like me
Tell me more, please show me
Something's familiar about these strangers like me
These emotions I never knew
Of some other world far beyond this place
Beyond the trees, above the clouds
I see before me a new horizon"

I thought this was a pretty well worded way to say that change happens. 
It's only natural to want to "grow up" and become someone you actually 
want to be (assuming you weren't satisfied with who you were before). 
But change is so hard to accept for some :( Using Tarzan's example here, 
if he follows his heart so to speak, he'd be leaving the ones who raised him 
and cared for him. He still loves them, and doesn't want to hurt anyone, 
but he's in love. He can't put his life on hold because his friends and family 
won't react well to the change. Depressing, but those are the decisions some 
are faced with. On a more serious note: Mulan. Specifically - Reflection. 

"Look at me
I will never pass for a perfect bride
Or a perfect daughter
Can it be
I'm not meant to play this part?
Now I see
That if I were truly to be myself
I would break my family's heart
Who is that girl I see
Staring straight
Back at me?
Why is my reflection someone
I don't know?
Somehow I cannot hide
Who I am
Though I've tried
When will my reflection show
Who I am inside?
When will my reflection show
Who I am inside?"

Every parents worst nightmare: their kid grows up to be someone 
other than the person they imagined their child would become. 
And what if you spent your whole life trying to make your parents 
proud, only to realize one day that what you really want will disappoint 
and possibly even hurt your parents? 

But you know what? Everything worked out in the end. (Ok, it's Disney. 
They HAD to make a happy ending. But ignorance is bliss, so let me 
believe things always turn out OK in the end in real life too.)

(to be continued)

Disney music (part 2)

Ok - I'll try to give this entry a reasonably happy ending. The Lion King! 
Beautiful movie, great music, and of course, the most lovable characters. 
My favorite song from this movie is definitely Circle of Life.

"From the day we arrive on the planet
And blinking, step into the sun
There's more to see than can ever be seen
More to do than can ever be done
There's far too much to take in here
More to find than can ever be found
But the sun rolling high
Through the sapphire sky
Keeps great and small on the endless round"

Take it any way you like, but to me, this is reassurance that life goes on. 
Yes, there's so much to see and do, life is full of changes and you never 
stop learning and exploring, there will ALWAYS be something new to 
discover. I kinda like the thought of that. ^^ Life goes on. Don't be afraid 
to take that extra step just because you aren't sure what you're about to 
climb into. (Obviously, caution is advisable, but don't spend your life in a 
plastic bubble. It get's lonely in there.) 
OK, I think I'm satisfied :) 
Thanx for hanging in there and bearing with me ;)

Much love,


<3 hihi

Hey there!! Haven't written in a while ;) mybad. Anyways, so much has happened.... but long story short, I couldn't be happier! <3    <--- btw, that's totally a heart. If you want to think it's an icecream, go for it, but that wasn't my initial intention. haha


Btw, yes for black hair again! ;)

Write me? :D


Back in action!

XD haha! Cute.

Well, I'm back in school again. The funny thing is, I didn't realize how much I missed it until I came back and saw everybody ^^ A few years from now I'm going to look back sentimentally at these days and miss everyone and everything.... I better enjoy it while it's all here <3

Btw, it snowed today! :D Correction: It's STILL snowing!!! ^^ I love snow, I've been waiting so long for this, but still: today, walking (on the cold, slippery road) home from school against icy wind, I wasn't exactly cheering for the weather ;) But then again, I had just gotten out of Social Studies class, caffeine deprived and cranky. (My apologies to my class who has to deal with me on days like these!) lol

I'm reading a book called Gem X by Nicky Singer. It's a futuristic science fiction novel (Surprise surprise! haha) about a society where everyone is genetically manipulated before they're born to be perfect. The problem is, an entire generation of these new, perfect people end up flawed, so they start to degrade when they're like 17 :P The city decides it's best to kill them all off, but one guy escapes and tries to survive. It's interesting, I think it would make a pretty cool movie. ^^

But then again, movies tend to ruin good books... we'll see. ;)

Much love to any and all!


Photo by http://kebabxp.deviantart.com Powerful yet simple! I like it!!

First Snow!!

(art by http://balakov.deviantart.com/)
:D I am overjoyed. Ecstatic. Euphoric, even. (Dang there are a lot of fancy words for "happy"! haha)

Today, October 21st, 2010, it snowed. It was beautiful!

Ok, we didn't exactly get 6 inches, the snowflakes melted as soon as they hit the ground, but that brief moment was still wonderful :) Absolutely lovely.

(art by http://all17.deviantart.com/)

Books and Movies

(art by http://kissmeatapocalypse.deviantart.com/)

Ever read or seen "My Sisters Keeper"? Incredible book. Absolutely amazing. I don't think I've ever cried so much over a book. When I was done, I couldn't wait to see the movie. I thought that if it was as great as the book, it would be my new favorite movie.
.... I think you know what I'm going to say next.
I was so disappointed with the movie. I couldn't believe they left out so many important details, not to mention the entirely altered ending! :( But oh well. I'm sure there are many who had never read the book who thought the movie was excellent.

Will I feel the same when I watch The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo? :P

I'm still waiting for someone to recreate Lois Lowry's "The Giver" into a movie :) Great story that could use a Hollywood ending.

Yep, I'm a nerd and I just wasted the last 10 minutes of your life with my pointless thoughts. ;)




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