no more. probably.

Alright, I realize that I'm running out of stuff to say. So I'm going to put this blog on ice for a while, at least until I actually have something to write about. :P

But thanks for visiting my blog anyway!

Love y'all
hhmmbubbye

// Angie

Summer!

Well, now my last summer break is here. I finally have a couple months to fully focus on losing those last few kgs, although so far, I'm not exactly doing it very efficiently xD hehe, sue me. 
Oh well.  But it sure is nice that the weather is finally allowing me to get out more, there's nothing worse than trying to powerwalk in the winter - waddling across the ice like a retarded penguin! ^^

No more of that now! Atleast for another half year ;) 

I have noticed on the other hand that I'm happy with how I look from the side. That's all well and good for me. But looking at me facing forward, I still look too. . . wide xD Not for long! I'm going to beat this, once and for all! *tagga!*




Graduation!

Yesterday was amazing, so much fun! :D I can't believe it, I'm finally here - the real world after graduation! xD
I've said goodbye to my friends and teachers, I'll miss them all terribly. But we have a lot of great memories, and hopefully we'll have a class reunion eventually. 

After the actual graduation ceremony, we all got on the back of a truck equipped with the biggest, loudest speakers we could get ahold of. We drank our champagne and danced while the truck drove through Degerfors. It was a fantastic feeling, I wish I could go back and do it all again! ^^

When I got home, my in-laws were all there to celebrate with cake and goodies, that was so nice! :) I just wish I had taken it a bit easier with the champagne on the truck ride, I'm pretty sure I embarrassed myself pretty bad in front of Keijos family xD Oh well, life goes on!


online photo album

I just realized this is no longer a blog, it's become more or less an online photo album for all my crappy blurry phonecam pictures! xD Oh well, here I go again:



little brother


Nearly 17 years old, how did he grow up so fast? :O

Suggestion for Nintendo? ;) jk


Thank you =3

On days when I'm too weak to deal with myself, you're strong enough for the both of us. When I feel like I'm at the top of the world, you're right there to cheer with me. You are the warm comfort that I fall alseep next to every night, the first thing I wake up to, and the one who is there for me no matter what. I love you Keijo, and I can't imagine this world without you.
Thank you for entering my life <3

The future and beyond

When I was a kid, I always felt like I had everything planned out so well. I had my whole future mapped out, I knew exactly what I wanted. Now, I feel like I've reached all the big milestones, all I have left is to get into a University, graduate, and eventually get a job that suits me. Then what?

:-/ And who am I in the meantime? What if I don't get accepted at all? 

One minute I'm an adult, the next minute I'm just a little girl. xD Once I know what I want, I change my mind and feel lost again. What do I have to do to stay on track?
Everyone else seems to manage it all so well, where was I when everyone else recieved the feeling of completeness?


Recent change

I'm trying something new in my effort to become more balanced, and so I'll be less difficult to deal with (both for myself and those around me). It feels good to know that things will finally change, and that soon I won't be a mental rollercoaster anymore - I'm only a few months away from achieving stabillity in my life.
For many, what defines who I am is my "up and down" personality. Who will I be when "up and down" isn't me anymore? Hopefully a more focused, calm, genuinely happy version of who I am now. :) I really love this picture below, I like the idea of "jumping out of my current bowl and into new waters". ^^

To quote myself

Taken from my other (less interesting/important/useful) blog

When feeling negative about my weight, I used to write in a journal about how disgusting I look, how repulsive I am, what an eyesore I am to everyone around me. I drew pictures of myself (cartooned to look ten times bigger than I really was) just to tease myself.
Ironically, I called this my inspirational journal. I thought that by insulting myself to no end, I'd finally be so ashamed of myself that I'd be forced to get on a gruelling diet and stay on it until I was thin. While dieting, I'd read the pages over and over again to remind myself why I was depriving myself of the foods I love.
I was sure that becoming a thinner me meant becoming a better me. That somehow I'd be a better friend, family member, wife, classmate, whatever -  if I lost weight.
Looking at those words now, I have to ask myself "Where was my brain when I created that idea??". Obviously logic isn't my strong side, but in time, I recognized that I had the wrong idea alltogether. A persons value shouldn't be based on appearance, and if I wasn't judging others by apearance, why should I judge myself that way? And if someone DID see me as less valueable because of my weight, they obviously aren't people I'd want in my life ANYWAY.
It took me a long time to get here. To be able to look at myself in the mirror and see that I'm a valuable human being, with just a few extra pounds to carry around. Nothing less. Sure, I'm still making an effort to drop the last pounds, but it's not the main focus in my life anymore. I now understand that I AM allowed to love who I am, regardless of what I look like.
I wish I could tell you exactly how I got to that frame of mind. But to be honest, I can't pinpoint it.
I know that the biggest help for me was the encouragement and endless conversations with my friends, family, and husband. I can't even count how many hours they all spent, constantly telling me over and over again that my weight never has and never will affect how they feel about me. Most of the time it all went in one ear, out the other, I didn't believe them. I was sure they were all just saying that to be polite, I didn't let myself understand that they were telling the truth. But when I finally allowed their words to sink in, it made all the difference.
I still relapse into negative thinking, I still have that "inspirational journal" on my bookshelf.
But 80 % of the time, I can leave it on the shelf and remember that I am not the worthless waste of space that I wrote about.
I am Angie, a student, a wife, a sister, a daughter, a friend. I love litterature and music, I have plans for the future, I enjoy long walks in the forest, and sitting in fancy cafe's sipping overpriced lattes. I love to draw, I hope to one day buy a proper camera so I can take fantastic pictures to keep forever, I hope to one day publish a book of my own.
What defines me is who I am, not how I think I look.

:(


Ego monkey xD

My husband and sister-in-law spent 5 1/2 hours on my hair, and it turned out fabulous! ^^ LOVE IT!! Hopefully all the braids stay tidy and un-frizzed as long as possible, I want to keep this style in for at least a month :)
Here is yet another batch of gritty, low quality pictures for y'all to endure ;)
ego monkey indeed xD hihi

Fail xP

Did the whole week on the cabbage soup deal, didn't lose a pound. Seriously, not even water weight. FAIL!
On to the next failing attempt! Calorie counting and working out at home.
Anyways, enough of that! I'm pretty excited, a lot is going on :)
-  My graduation cap arrived
-  I've picked out the courses/programs I want to study in the fall! Sadly though, I won't find out until July if I get accepted or not  :(
-  a friend of mine is getting married
-  I just ordered new glasses
-  I've just set some new goals in terms of losing those last stubborn 5
-  I  might do something really funky with my hair in a few weeks, but we'll see ;)
The traditional swedish graduation cap! :D woohoo!!

cabbage soup

Since school started again in the fall, I haven't really had the time or the energy to diet like I did in the summer, but I think it's time to start tackling the last 5 kgs now. Today I started the cabbage soup diet, it will only last a week but I'm doing that as a kickstart until I figure out a new plan. The weather is finally showing a little mercy, I'll be able to get out and powerwalk again which will make a huge difference. Counting calories showed the biggest results for me last summer, but I can't count calories on school food, and it's not normal in Sweden to bring your own lunch to school like it is in the states. Besides that, when I was counting calories, I was tired and upset all the time, there's no way I can deal with the last few months of school feeling like a PMS monster! xD
Here are the rules:

Day One:

Unlimited soup, as much fruit as I want (except bananas).

Day Two:

Unlimited soup, as many vegetables as I want (no beans, peas, or corn).

Day Three:

Combine day 1 & 2: unlimited soup, as many fruits and vegetables as I want, still no bananas, beans, peas, or corn.

Day Four:

Unlimited soup, up to 8 bananas, and as much skim milk as I want.

Day Five:

Unlimited soup, 500 g. quorn (meat substitute), and up to 6 fresh tomatoes.

Day Six:

Unlimited soup, along with as much quorn and vegetables as I want. Important: drink at least 1 liter of water today to flush out the toxins!

Day Seven:

Unlimited soup, brown rice, and vegetables.

 

Supposedly the average person loses ca 5 kgs per week on this, but about 2 kgs are water weight, so my diet journey won't be over after only a week. I recently got ahold of a stationary bike, I'm going to try to use it as often as possible. Let's see how this goes! ^^

Wish me the best!

 


FEAR

Seriously, I would be interested in looking into what causes fears. Bad experiences are an obvious factor, but what if you find yourself sickeningly terrified of something ordinary that you've never encountered as a threat before?
Take loneliness for an example. I know there are people who have lived perfectly normal lives only to later have panic attacks or major anxiety breakdowns when left alone. How does that happen? How is it cured?

If anyone has any information or theories on this subject feel free to write it in the comment section below.
art by http://limpidd.deviantart.com/

lyrics and selfesteem



Have you heard the beautiful song "The Writer" by Ellie Goulding? At one point, she sings:


"But I've got a plan
Why don't you be the artist
And make me out of clay?
Why don't you be the writer
Decide the words I say?
Cause I'd rather pretend
I'll still be there at the end
Only it's too hard to ask
Won't you try to help me?"

I could be way off here, but it feels like she's asking him to decide who she is. By "writing her words" and "making her out of clay", is she asking him to tell her what to say and how to look? I'm assuming she's just trying too hard to be the girl of his dreams, feeling flawed and not good enough to be his, maybe she wants him to spell out exactly what his dreamgirl will talk like and look like so she can change and become just that.

What someone needs to tell her is that if she's in his arms, she is already the girl of his dreams. She needs help to build the self esteem to see that she is exactly who she needs to be for him to love her. But I understand, if she looks in the mirror and sees a disaster that doesn't deserve the wonderful people in her life, it must be hard for her to accept that she's loveable just the way she is.

Sixpence None The Richer sang something similar:

"So I'm changing who I am
because what I am's not good
And I know you love me now
But I don't see why you should"

It's sad, really. What stops them from loving who they are? 

I wish there was a cure for people who feel like that. But as of yet, there is none. Compliments and loving words of reassurance go in one ear, but are forced out the other by negative thoughts and feelings.

I just hope that one day they will look back at a photo of themselves in their loved ones arms and think "I see it now, the smile on his face is all the proof I need. I AM the girl he's always dreamed of."



On the other hand. . .

Ok, maybe my last entry was exaggerated and stupid. Rage ranting isn't my strong side, and I think I need to correct myself.

My mom once told me that if it feels like everything is coming at me at once, I'm probably in the wrong lane. I can apply that to my current issue - if everyone feels like I'm trying to change something that really doesn't need improvement, maybe they're right? Instead of trying to become a different person, why not just focus on strengthening the aspects of my life that I'm already decently proud of?
You know the whole SOPA Act issue that's all the rage right now? I've been told that's just another distraction to get worked up about so people ignore bigger issues like healthcare and poverty etc. Brilliant tactic, really. Am I doing that to myself? Over-reacting and going nuts over something that really isn't as important as other thoughts and feelings that I harbor?

I have a feeling that I need to dig deeper. Figure out what I'm distracting myself from. Either that or I'm just crazy ;) hehe
Anyway, enough with the serious junk! Now - pictures!! :D


This picture is now the wallpaper on my cellphone ^^ 14 months together and I still get butterflies! ;)



Zid being snuggly as always!


Andreas's kitten who after ca 5 months still doesn't have a real name xD

ego pic!



When did this storm begin?

“Change is the essence of life.Be willing to surrender what you are for what you could become.”
"Change is the essence of life. Be willing to surrender what you are for what you could become." - Author Unknown

This quote hit me like a ton of bricks - this is exactly what I've been looking for. Why hold back from "the essence of life"? Ok, "essence of life" may be a bit exaggerated, but you know what I mean. If you know that you have the potential to become something better, someone happier/ more loveable/ more outgoing, etc. why not let go of what you've always been to work on becoming that  " YOU, version 2.0"? 

The biggest problem is when your loved ones are all terrified of change. Friends and family who mean well when they say "I like you just the way you are", and think that all change is bad change. Is it that they don't believe that you are capable of achieving your goals, and therefore try to stop you from even trying?

Do you love your friends and family enough to let them break out of their previoius problems?

Extreme example: Your best friend in the whole wide world is a drug addict. You love this friend to death and even though you know the addiction is killing him, that it's making him miserable and is tearing his life apart, you don't make any effort to help him break free. "I love him for who he is, I love everything else about him so his drug problem is just a small insignifcant part of his otherwise fantastic character."

Ridiculous, right? Absolutely.



Poetry

"I Walk through the world
with no meaning in my life
My mind is driving me insane
The hurt I’ve kept all years
So much want it to end
Don’t want to live with this pain!
No more suffering will ever
stalk me through the night,
tho’ the memories of you
will still be there.
Always and ever you said,
never ever you meant.
Dealing with love is a hard thing,
don’t imagine anything.
Life sucks and sometimes it’s good,
but always remeber.
Love isn’t as it should."

- L. Andersen, 2010


Isn't it funny how the one's who smile the brightest and laugh the loudest are the ones who end up being the most depressed? Beautiful piece, I didn't write it but I thought it deserved to be shown. 

Jonah may have been a fake, but the feelings he spoke of are real for too many.

Pix

http://youtu.be/TFCuE5rHbPA
Very catchy song. I highly recommend it to the few who are bored enough to click it ^^
Well, the snow I waited for finally showed up :) Keijo woke me and said "it must have snowed all night! Look outside!" I just kinda smiled and made some kind of happy noise, but since I was barely awake yet it didn't completely register. The sun came up about an hour later, and then I looked outside and was pleasantly suprised :) It's beautiful! Slushy and wet now, yes, but still pretty. Speaking of pretty, we finally bought a full length mirror.
I couldn't stop myself, had to take yet another batch of ego-pose shots! ;) But I'll be nice enough to also add a picture of my darling and our buddy/roomate, possibly another cat picture or two. Here we go!
<---Isn't he handsome? :D
<--- Yep, that's me. Hi there!
<--- Here's our buddy Linus
<--- and here's my gorgeous mom! :D

I'm sick right now, strepthroat or something. So no sledding just yet, but I promise that I am still not too old! I WILL go sledding this winter! :D oki, I'll update soon enough. hhmmmbubbye y'all.

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